Love me, that's all I ask of you...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

shooting stars
Current mood: contemplative

it was 11:11 and I said "make a wish.." and as we were laying there thinking of what to wish for I realized that I had nothing to wish for... nothing at all. everything else I ever wanted seemed meaningless. I have a knot in my stomach.. anticipating what will happen next. this is the first one where forever echos in my head and I'm not scared. the only thing I'm terrified of is the leaving. I'm trying not to let it scare me because that's what always has me running. "a wise girl leaves before she is left..." but I have a feeling I don't have to worry about that again. trusting was never easy for me. you had my full and complete trust... up until that point. and now it's slowly building itself back up. just a little time is all I need.. we already wasted 2 years... what's another few weeks or months? you can't blame me... I'm just terrified. I don't think my heart could handle another equation like that. things have surely changed. something feels different inside of me. I can't find the words to explain it. I think back to how it was and how it is now and I almost want to cry. i've never seen u like this. I've never heard your thoughts, your heartbeat or laugh until now. and this is the only way to say what's on my mind best. I'm trying here.. don't let me down. I've invested way more into this than before and it's all in your hands... "love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to..."
so if it was 11:11 again I still wouldn't wish for a thing... or even if there was a million shooting stars...

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Monday, October 20, 2008

hello my friend, we meet again.
Current mood: contemplative

I never really knew how much of a forgiving person I was until now... I guess because I only try to see the good in people and forget about the bad or tend to ignore it especially if i cared at all at some point. even after so much damage was caused I shouldn't even be back to this but my memories have a way of playing themselves in my mind in a certain order. it feels the same.. like I never got hurt, like I still had someone to trust & confied in and life was amazing but then something triggers in the back of my mind and it feels different. I knew things were never going to be the same again and they aren't. sometimes I don't know what to feel or how to feel. I'm loving where this is going but at the same time I hate it. I keep remembering that he was with her and that's just enough for me to push him away. It makes me so angry to think that we wasted so much time on this fucking bullshit just so that we can be back to where we started trying to take off from. I hate it... And I know people change.. but you just can't expect me to pretend like nothing happened. for so long I missed those memories and wondered what could have happened... and for so long I beat myself over it thinking it was all my fault and I would cry myself to sleep knowing there wasn't anything I could have done. I just left it there in Gods hands and He took care of it. I secretly wished it would have happened like this where you'd be sorry & missing me and I was right. and I played the scene out in my head of all the things I would say a million times. then that day came and I was completely unprepared. it hit me like a ton if bricks and struck me to the ground where I prayed to the Lord for some stregnth. and God help me if this should happen again. I don't think I could withstand something like that. so I tried to pull away before it was too late but it was useless and I was defensive. I've been fixated on it since day one. "I'll be stuck fixated on one star when the works is crashing down.." so now what? where does it go from here? I don't even know what want. I used to want this more than anything ever... but triangles were never my favorite shape. for a long time you were with her and now you expect me to forget that? I thought I had won by walking away but in the end she still won because that's the only thing keeping me from you... the fact that she was ever there and filled the spaces I was suppose to fill. you gave her your heart and didn't even care about what happened to me. what if she decides to come back are you going to walk away from me again? are you going to just abandon me there and break me again? that's a risk I don't think I want to take.. that's a risk I shouldn't even have to take. I never really knew she would betray me, I never really knew you would destroy me... I never really wanted to know anything at all. I never really knew how much of a forgiving person I was... I never really knew.

"hello my friend, we meet again... it's been a while where should we begin? feels like forever..."

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Saturday, October 11, 2008

all the wrong ones
Current mood: calm

and every single word I ever said about it went out the window. I almost wish that message was still marked as unread but its cute how these things happen... cute like retarded. it really is though. from misfortune came something good... or least it seems good right now. I should probably disregard that. I dont know what id do if that would happen to me. especially after what he said. how stupid. everything there is stupid. even my thoughts. why the fuck do I keep doing this? I almost hate myself for it and I'll hate myself even more if I was stupid enough to let that happen. I'm praying to God down on both knees for this to go away. I don't need it... any of it. and just when I thought I couldn't let go God opened a door and the other one magically disappeared. but now I'm stuck in this room being a hypocrite. everything I ever said vanished into thin air and now its like none of it ever happened. but why though? why are we back to this? idk how things will be when we find each other face to face again. will I be so disgusted because I know or will it be like the first time in a long time that I had seen him again? I hate this. I need new things not old things that are sugarcoated and labled new. I'm tired of repairs. I need new everything. those pages are finally turning... slowly but surely and I'm glad. I've been patiently waiting for something good... someone good. idk if I had that already... I'm waiting on the one to make me want to stay. but apparently I have the curse of leaving. someday I'll find the cure... but obviously, and unfortunetly, until then I'll keep rumaging through all the wrong ones.

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Thursday, October 02, 2008

3am rambles
Current mood: overstimulated

theres only one person in this entire universe id love to lay out on a curb with and count on the stars..
stupid stars. what did they ever do for me?

its funny how things never change yet when you look back everything is different. the life of a stranger to you wouldn't be any different than mine. there has to be a little bit more of this somewhere inside of you. I've got my shovel, let's dig it out because I feel it there. this arrangement is getting to me but just a little longer and youll see what I mean and feel how I feel. all this talk about lollipops and kitty cats wont seem as important. and I hate that I feel like I have to be there for that. things will change, youll see, theyll change.

well September has ended but I still feel sleepy. I must not have been woken up on time. this life is only a dream and when I die that's when I really start living.
this insomnia is deadly. it makes my mind go into overdrive and think of the strangest of things. if my body knows it's tired then why doesn't it just shut down? I need sleep but these thoughts keep running through my mind. especially one in particular...
you are the one, youll never be alone again. youre more than in my head... youre more.

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

you were in my dreams, just like in a movie
Current mood: hopeful

everytime I think I'm closer to the heart of what it means to know just who I am
I think I finally found a better place to start but no one ever seems to understand..
I need to try to get to where you are
could it be your not that far?
your the voice I hear inside my head...
I need to find you
I gotta find you...


I've never wanted anything more than this. I can't let it slip through my hands like everything else I thought was good. I dont know how I know this but I do... and for the first time in my life I'm not afraid. I've only ever felt this way once before but now there's no use in looking back. I have it here within arms reach and i don't want to ever let it go. I think I've finally got it right.
give me something to believe in because I feel like I might have dreamt you up to life
but i've got that look in my eyes and this smile on my face... I'm not letting this fade into another memory.
if I give you everything please don't let me down..

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Friday, September 05, 2008

words to live by.
Current mood: hopeful

and all the words, thoughts and questions I had ever kept inside came out. my heart was pounding in my chest so fast but I had to keep going. I finally got answers and now I almost wish it would have died but we're back to square one. but God gave me that opportunity, I prayed for it and I got it... everything happens for a reason. I could not believe the words coming out of his mouth. I had never heard his voice, so strong and firm, like that. why couldnt he just be like that since the begining? it would have saved us time but like he said "time with you is never wasted, things happen for a reason." my heart Is tying to remember old reasons for beating but this old beat is killing me. I dont think I want this. I go back and forth between this and get no where. its like I take one step foward and two steps back. I dont know what posessed me but Im glad it did. my heart feels like its going to explode. i dont think I can keep doing this. I dont know whether to keep praying for it or to just ignore it. but the things he said... it was excatly how I played it out in my mind... it was real, oh so very real. I never thought Id be sitting there again, feeling this again, looking into the same eyes that brought me yet gave me peace. "you bring me peace or you piece me apart, I can't decide which..."
he'll change he swears... from this night foward... hes a different person "a man of his word," he said. lets see about that... Id like to be proved wrong for once. I want to say he'll pull through because I have faith and have never given up on him but disappointment comes with this territory. and I know you like the back of my hand... just like clockwork. I feel like an idiot right about now but I have no more questions... I know all the answers so I couldnt imagine things changing from here. I want to believe it sooo badly that he's finally woken up and realized that Ive always been just right there. I dont push him away, he pushes me away.. and so I move on. the words from tonight are slowly fading now although I wish they wouldnt its probably for the best. if everything happens for a reason then we shall know what all this was for. whats meant to be will always find a way and whats not will deteriorate and long be forgotten. I don't want to go back to things not changing and people telling me how I deserve better. i stood up for you and defended you when they said all these things about you and you ignored me and pushed me to the side. when everything in your world starts to crumble you keep running back... i know why know.. but i dont think i want to be that person for you anymore... so i'll kick you down, make you think, and cry and feel bad about everything you ever did to me. i'll hurt you and abandon you just like you did to me... and when you come to me with ur broken soul holding your broken heart in your hands ill pray that Gods gives me strenght... and ill know exactly what to do from there because i dont want to take this life for granted like i used to do and those are words to live by.

"she keeps saying he'll change someday, he wasnt always this way...."

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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

& im no good at suicide...
Current mood: melancholy

I dont know if I should be angry, upset, and hurt or just brush it off. Ive never understood how things can change over night. I see the differences and I almost want to cry. "didnt we almost have it all?" in the nicest way possible I was trying to break free because I wasnt me. Id look in the mirror and feel disgusted not being able to look at myself knowing I had become this. once this evil monster climbs on your back its hard to go back to good. Ive been struggling with it for a while but even now I feel no closure. guilt is eating away at me and I didnt want to be the one to break him. i care so much but I dont think ill ever be worthy of feeling that emotion. i will forever be unloveable because I tend to run away from it. I know I do... and it terrifies me. maybe theres someone else out there for me... or maybe this was exactly what God had planned. time is still my sworn enemy because only after some passing ill really know what all this was for.

...and it hurts to see these changes. and I cry myself to sleep over it because there nothing I can do to make this pain go away. when I wanted to feel no one was there and it was even harder. I prayed for faith but it never came and the little hope I had diminished and the devil won because still I am not happy. but the only reason I still sit so still is because I know greater things are coming.
I feel sick to my stomach thinking about this now... I want to reach out but ... things just change.

from being number one to just being a number lost in infinity. time will forever be my sworn enemy. destroyer of everything Ive ever wanted and struggled with all of my might to keep. yea, its the story of my life... my pointless, selfless, shameful life. I wish I could be better but anyone whose ever loved me deserves better than this trainwreck. Im begining to think that God never created me for that. just for change. so that people who encounter me can compare themselves and feel better. Im really nothing special... at least I havent felt like it lately. I know someday ill get this life right...

I dont want to hurt anyone... it was never an intention. I havent given up on myself in such a long time.. and all of a sudden life doesnt seem so great but Im not good at suicide... so I write.



"i hurt myself today... to see if I still feel.

I focused in the pain... the only thing thats real...

and you can have it all, my empire of dirt...

I will let you down... I will make you hurt."

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Monday, August 11, 2008

i am easily make believe
Current mood: confused, quiet, at peace, wanting more.


...just close ur eyes and dress me up with what you want me to be.
and i was trying to make myself not think that i could be that girl for him but listening to stories made me realize things had changed. i almost wanted to make all the bad go away just so he would never have to feel that way again...
and your timing is a little off...
im thinking things I shouldnt be thinking and confusing myself a lot. as if my brain wasnt already on overdrive.. my thoughts are in one big knot and im trying to find some hope, convincing myself that God had written it just like that in His book...
maybe hes still lost somewhere out there or maybe hes just been found... maybe he was sent as a diversion.. or I went out looking for him. maybe its just what we make it... idk what this is but i could sense it in the air. and the look in those eyes confessed it all. I wish I could have sat there a little longer just to see what would progress. is it that easy to resist temptation or were you trying really hard to do the right thing? its never happened like that where im left trying to figure out what i want more.... and I had almost forgotten what it was like to come in second and feel like im never good enough or i keep making the wrong decisions... but your my best kept secret.
and its so ridiculous how one thing can throw everything else off. just one little detail or notion, even the slightest phrase. thinking never did me any good. nope, none at all.
i dont even know why i put myself into this equation... I have no reason to stay in this but I have no reason to leave either. even this daredevil could not predict the depth should we all fall into it. I guess thats why they wait on their cue. "if something bad is gonna happen its gonna happen regardless..." all we can do is wait & know that the Lord put us in the situation for a reason. sometimes it seems things have to be bad before they can be good so we can appreciate life a little better... then everything else will just fall into place. "everything happens for a reason." i wonder whats the reason behind this.
Life is all about taking risks... ive never been that brave but if you are then im waiting on your cue.

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Monday, August 04, 2008

it isnt fate that took us all by storm.
Category: Blogging

my soul has been aching to tell a story but I just wont let it. my heart is heavy and my mind keeps thinking a million thoughts per second. I get no rest even when I sleep and I have no one to blame but myself. a story so untold I havent even thought of the words to say. I just feel it swimming about inside of me dying to be put together and composed into another tragic masterpiece. my heart is screaming out to anyone who will listen but I refuse to speak. and im a master of story telling just not anymore. the stories this old heart used to tell could give the weary hope and the dead life but no one could return the favor so its beat diminished until there was no beat at all. sometimes I can still feel it inside of me... the only thing that gives me hope. and I look foward to another day because it brings me closer to you. the questions id like to ask would bring suspicions when its not even like that. I just like reassurance and comfort. the compass fails me from time to time. I just dont think this fragile thing could take any kind of bump or bruise like it used to. im just tired of holding this poker face when on the inside this heart is screaming to be heard but I refuse to say a word still. silence is golden.. yet "words, like violence, help break the silence..."
in the end I will be my own demise and this will be my greatest downfall. if anything should happen I dont want to be understood because that battle is pointless. I just wanted to love and let love... if that makes any sense. because at the end of it all it doesnt matter who broke you but who fixed you.
this life is too short to get caught up and all mixed up... and if I could have composed these words any better id be lying. im honest to a fault because dishonesty is no friend of mine and in confessing this id be labeled liar just like everyone else. somethings need not mentioned. theyre just felt and sensed. can you feel this tension? "she used to be the sweetest girl..."
hold your head up heavy heart we are at the end now and without knowing ive secretly confessed my heart like this keyboard was the chapel. messy and self-destructable ive finally found something out there that makes sense. ill sleep forever so i wont have to feel this anymore or weight my heart down like this because such a heart wasnt built for silence but its not dying out again even if it feels lonely. we'll lose another day here, we'll lose another year here.. im with you.

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Thursday, June 26, 2008

to write love on her arms.


to a broken person there are no words to heal there pain. sorry won't change anything. love is a made up word they have yet to acknowledge. time comes and goes like a thief in the night. there are no words, just the simple knowledge of a presence, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a hand to hold...
i've read her story a dozen times over. but I still don't get how tragedies happened. things always get better, always. and to know, hear and feel the scream of a razor blade is familiar. the silent screams on the bathroom floor, a cry for help, the hope to end it all and start a new life. I know... I know it all. I just don't get how someone can lose and abandon all faith. forget what I said before... because just one person is enough. the promise for a better tomorrow and the living proof that there is a God with plans so much greater than anything you could have ever imagined or dreamed up for yourself are oh so very real. nothing is ever lost or pointless. every single little detail in ur life is apart of His intricate master plan. i've known that all along and im living proof of that everyday. i will never understand how people can just throw their lives away just because something stupid didnt go their way. people in hospitals, in comas have more faith then that.... they struggle to keep living while some stupid human walks right into the knive or the bullet... no. i will never understand how it works. i wish i could have just opened her eyes and made her see the world from my perspective. it really is beautiful... their stories are amazing. i can just sit there and listen to them talk for hours. their scars tell a story... the story of love, pain, tragedy, ecstacy, and their greatest downfall all the way to their salvation. as much as i listen and try to contribute to their healing ill never understand why a person would want to die so badly. i just cant explain in words how much i value my life.... but as long as im around no will ever have to write love on there arms....


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wow I'm such a fool. this is the worst way to feel like you are never enough... but I do this to myself. all for the fear of losing something that probably has no value anymore. why do I keep doing this to myself? sometimes I think my heart is retarded. my brain knows I deserve better but my stupid heart won't pull away. it feeds off of every single one of your lies. but whispear to me... i hang on evety word you say. why an I so weak? youre my kryptonite. there has to be a way to reverse this again. separation seems to work best...
I dont understand how you tell me all these things. I wish they were true but that would probably be the poisen talking. oh baby don't talk to me about babies.

I can't go through this again. God help me if this happens again. it just hurts too much to throw myself into such an equation again. it hurts to remember. I wish I didn't have to feel at all. I hated who I was when all of that happened. I wasn't myself or didn't think of the consequences. I felt like a monster and couldn't even stand to see myself in the mirror. I don't want to go back to that. I can't go back to that.

I felt I had a job to do like I was coming into this with a purpose or goal that had to be met. I dont know exactly how I should feel still but I just cant seem to get enough of him. I wonder if the situation has caused me to fall that much quicker because this is so unlike me. and comparison doesnt help AT ALL. why am I still thinking of this? I wonder if its the same on the other side of the city. whether we're just killing time or passing it whats meant to be will always find a way. I wonder what things will be like once this is over. and I pray to God that there are no suprises. I'll fight with all of my might to end it... God knows what I'm talking about. but to everything there is a rhyme and reason. I couldn't help but repeat it over and over: "one day someone is going to walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else." is this the long lost soul ive been searching for? "people everywhere, how can I be sure if its you that i have been looking for..." i still know what she felt like when she confessd her heart out to a stranger but now a little more so. I guess it was cause we were deep thinkers and he was always shallow. I dont know what comes next. I'm not going to be that girl. I refuse to be like her. I dont want to be that girl. the way ive always seen things and wanted them... that's how everything will turn out. I dont know about this life but its exactly what happened afterwards with the previous. dear lord.. I'm waiting on a sign. and Im remembering exactly why ive always been alone...

this is such an inappropriate time. and not to mention how uncomfortable I was. why do I keep doing that?? why??I fucking hate myself right now for feeling this. I am so disgusted. I dont want to do that anymore. I just need this void to be filled. I'm waiting on the time and place for when I no longer have to feel the need to do this or care at all. Im waiting on the time and place when I'll just know that I don't ever want to do anything like that to mess it up because I'd be caring too much but I'm terrified. I wish I would have kept this all to myself. what am I going to say or do when I finally hear it? In the nicest way possible... I really don't know. everything might not be what I expected it to be then again it might. why am I making such a deal out of this? he might be (un)like any other. I'm just super mad at myself for doing that. "you sit there in your heartache waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways..."
you have no idea how true that statement is. I didn't mean to lead anyone one... and I was as rude as possible but somehow he didn't get it. he seemed to like it and that's not what I wanted at all. I feel like he was forced upon me. I just wasn't having it. i don't fucking care who you are. if I don't like u then thats it!! I'm not gonna like you. wow I feel super bad. I could have found someone in my leauge. not someone to waste time with... that's a whole 2 hours of my life that I will never get back. fuck. I hate this. I havent felt like this in a long time and the night started off so well. but she took over and I became this again. I feel like Jean Grey when she turns into the Phoenix. she becomes this person that no one knows. something evil and inhuman. why Esther? why? I need to be saved. maybe its my fault I'm alone. I fall for the same ones then get hurt and the nice ones that care I ignore. I guess maybe I'm shallow. I'm not the prettiest thing ever but I know I'm somewhere there. she's taking over again. i just need some sleep. I can't do this anymore. he went home disappointed. I wasn't going to compromise a night of fun on that. especially that. im glad i didnt drink that much and i felt him trying to get me there. fuck that shit. i cant even believe she wanted me to down that last one. wtf i thought friends were suppose to take care of you or let you know when uve had enough but of course she didnt care she was too busy to even seperate the good & moral from the bad and carelessness. but its my fault for going. some fun that was. its not his fault either... i need to get her out from inside of me. but she's here because of me. I feed her my words and she became real trying to take over my life. two in the same... I need to be saved. days are flying and I'm waiting. where are you? I need you soon.


"your my distant destination of choice... I'd give anything just to hear ur voice.."
pleasesaveme.

i cant remember the last time i was this happy... actually i dont think ive ever been like this. im terrified. i still dont know if i should or shouldnt stop myself from feeling this... i go in and out of these two phases. one moment im completely head over heels smiling the biggest smile ever and the next i feel uneasy and weird... i just need for time to hurry up... and if its everything ive ever wanted then i want time to slow down just for us. but i start thinking... id have to be without you for that long??? wow. i can barely get by now... what am i going to do with myself? the lord works in mysterious ways. i rarely think of the past now but sometimes i become upset with how nothing really happened. i was never that girl for him... oh well. "we are not attatched so we move on..." im like freaking out super bad. i feel like dropping to my knees and crying this all away. i dont know what it is but i feel it. its something... amazing... terrifying... different... idk. im super confused yet i know exactly what is happening. *deep breath* uncertainy is getting the best of me and i cant let the devil win. i know that im meant to be happy. no matter what. i cant keep letting the devil win. good things are in store for me... idk. ill leave it all in Gods hands. this was the real update...

"shes in love with the boy... whats meant to be will always find a way..."

something inside is telling me that this is big. idk what it is but something is happening. I'm not too sure how I should feel or if I should even feel at all. I'm a little scared but its the good kind of scared. like when your watching a scary movie and you know something unexpected will pop up and suprise you so you cover ur eyes with ur hands but ur still peeking because you wanna feel the excitement. yea... I don't know what it is but you make my heart jump. and I'm trying not to fall because you'll end up going away anyway.. then what? I could never being myself to do that to you. it just sucks. I'm trying to fight this idea off. but what if you are the one ive been asking for? we'll never know if I keep resisting. I just don't want to get hurt. and I don't want to hurt you either. you've got me counting 8 hour ahead everytime I look at the clock. and you've got me wishing days would go by quicker. Im finding it hard to sleep these days because reality is finally better than any good dream ive ever had. how can you miss something you've never had? I need to stop myself before I get too ahead but I love how this feels. I can't help but smile everytime I think of you. and when I hear you've voice I begin to miss you and wish you were here with me... just a few more days to go and I'll finally see your face. let's find out if this is really for real.

I don't know how i should feel or if i should even feel at all. Esther likes to get ahead of herself sometimes... something has a hold of my heart and its holding it tight. my soul is shining through...
it really is. I havent felt like this in a long time and it scares me. I'm falling... I'm falling quickly and I'm falling hard. for the first time in a long time... I know what this is. I know it... but do I want it?
the only thought that fills my mind.. and I hate that your gone.
but how? how did we get to this? I prayed and prayed but is this what was planned? idk. It feels like something good. this could be something good.
suddenly I've become a fortune teller. the future is bright and I'm excited. I want this to work because it just feels right. I need something good, someone good.
"will the stars shine the same on your side of half the world away?"
I hate time. why can't it be the same time everywhere. how can u miss something you've never had? idk if theres any point to feeling this way if your gonna be taken from me. I'd be back to hating time and losing you to bad signals. idk.. I'm having mixed emotions. overall I'm extremely happy with life. I could not ask for more but I'm not sure if we're just killing time. real update later.
"step by step, heart to heart, left right left... we all fall down, like toy soldiers."

if we're ever discovered or found out you could just put the blame on me. I have nothing at all to lose... except him but its not worth it. I'd take the blame for you.
why did we let this happen? why am the only one still thinking about this? and if you are too then I'll never know because your not allowed to show emotions that will bring up questions.
...but this won't be my undoing. I'll leave this alone. whats meant to be will find its way. I can't put her through that... I don't know if he cared at all but I can't do that to her or to you. I still can't see how we got carried away. it was just a thought, a joke... I didnt think it was ever gonna happen but by itself... by ourselves... nothing happened yet something did. something inside sparked this. and now I'm a bit confused.. I'm anxious to see how things will turn out the next time we meet.
"there is someone out there for you but its someone you have not met..."
I wonder who he is. I've been praying for him to get here soon for a while now...
idk what'll happen next. this one is more intense the previous situations. it just keeps getting harder and harder. =/ I'll just sit back and let "Jesus take the wheel."
dear chemistry,
why did you crash us together?

real update for the next time we have another rendevouz.
yourmybestkeptsecret.

God knows how hard I've tried to make this go away. I just wish I didn't care so much. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be over it. I know exactly what she's going through. I will never ever understand how two people can feel exactly the same way for the same person. its almost like something planned or done on purpose. why do I keep finding myself in these situations? it hurts my heart just to think of the outcome of this. can't, for just once, the odds shift in my favor? "I'm on the verdge of loving you" was what I read. it was like a shot to the heart. I'm afraid of telling him or anyone what I feel. its always been just between me & God... because you just don't understand how mortified I am. and I'm about to lose you to her because she can tell you exactly how it is. those words aren't something I take lightly... but I'll confess my heart like this keyboard is the capel.
I'm not sure if words influence feelings or if just by looking at a person you just know you want to be with them.
I feel like I got myself into this mess by praying for you over and over but why did God answer each one of my prayers? why??? if He would have left me some unanswered prayers I would have understood but each one was answered... like wishes. each one came true. and why did he cross our paths? I prayed and prayed for "the one" to get here and you showed up. I don't think youre the one... but why are you here?
everytime I hear this song it sparks something inside of me. why do I care? why do I fucking care? how the fuck can someone act like this? you either care or you don't. idk what more I have to do to make you realize that there is no one else better for me than you and that no one will love you as much as I do. there I said it... ily.
I wish I didn't because I just makes it that much harder. I tried so fucking hard to keep this inside and make it go away but it just kept building up inside of me and everyday I got closer I couldn't just walk away. I tired a million and one times to walk away so badly but I just couldn't. you called me back and I did an about face and we were off again.
oh dear lord. I love him, I do. how do I make this go away? why won't it go away? I don't want to care about someone like that... i don't want to care at all if someone else feels exactly the same way I do. I don't want to be an option to some confused guy. I don't need this again. why does God keep allowing me to be in these situations. no matter how I approach the situation the outcome is always the same. what am I missing? what am I not doing right? why do I have to feel like Im never enough?
"I didnt mean to fall in love with you... and baby theres a name for what you put me through. its isn't love its robbery... I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me."
I don't know what to do to make this disappear. I don't know what to do at all. I wonder why the stars don't seem to guide me. *deep sigh*
"I've taked to friends, talked to myself. I've talked to God, I've prayed like hell but I still miss you. I've tried sober, I've tried drinking, I've been strong and I've been weak and I still miss you...
I've done everything to move on like I'm suppose to but... I still miss you..."

this song has been stuck in my head and all I can think about is you...
I have a lot to say, so many questions to ask but I'm afraid of this fading if I say anything.
I dont know how I could ever do this if it was the real thing. I'd probably be going crazy thinking a million thoughts per second. I know you.
"i dont mind where you come from as long as you come to me
but I dont like illusions I can't see them clearly
and I dont care, no I wouldnt dare to fix the twist in you
you've shown me eventually what you'll do...
I dont mind, I dont care...
as long as youre here."I wish there was a magic word I could say to make me stop feeling this. love is the slowest form of suicide. "and yet still here we are happily ever after.." I hate that I remember every single word you've ever said. I wonder if you remember anything I say. I feel like I'm a stranger to you sometimes like you dont know me at all. but still this time has brought us closer and I'm trying not to count the days till we fall away again.
"hours slide and days go by till u decide to come
but in between it always seems to long
suddenly...
but I have the skill, yea I have the will to breathe you in while I can
however long you stay is all that I am..."
im trying not to think about it but in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder how long this will last.
this past weekend made me realize that I do want you in my life but I need to learn how to separate feelings because we're just friends... but "just friends" is an understatement. for now I'll stop over analyzing this and enjoy it will it lasts. I prayed for you and here you are. I prayed for this and here it was... is God trying to tell me something about you? was God trying to make me happy for a little while? "cheer up emo kid." idk I feel a bit confused yet happy. I guess I'm just contemplating on our journey... I'm happy. and I think 'ilh.'

pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything
pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
and thats what you get for falling again you can never get him out of your head...

its the way that he makes you feel
its the way that he kisses you
its the way that he makes you fall in love

she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego
and her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men
and thats what you get for falling again you can never get him out of your head

its the way that he makes you feel
its the way that he kisses you
its the way that he makes you fall in love

pretty girl is suffereing while confesses everything
pretty soon she'll figure out that you can never get him out of your head
its the way that he makes you cry
its the way that he's in your mind
its the way that be makes you fall in love
its the way that he makes you feel
its the way that he kisses you
its the way that he makes you fall in love.

I count my blessings all the time. my God is amazing and never let's me down. everything happens for a reason. I've had a change of heart. "wouldn't change anything... ur still my everything." I hate my pillow right now... it looks like you and I fight the urge to return your call or call any one. "and the sound of your voice could save my soul."
she's everything - brad paisley
stay with me (big brass bed) - josh gracin
better than me - hinder
because of you - neyo
a heart like hers - george strait
silver impalas
the skate park on mcpherson
tp's at 4am
Kruger field
summer nights
cowboy hats
playing the piano at 3 in the morning
April 28th
spiderman 3
Amarillo by morning - george strait
sneaking out
the awkward motel 6 night
wifey/hubby
golds gym
falling down the stairs
January 2008
catwoman costume
"you'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see.."
go ahead tell me you'll leave again. you'll just come back running hold your scarred heart in hand... I needed to get that out. she told me something I'll never forget. "oh you're always going to be in his life..." Im starting to believe that more and more with each passing day... but he us not the one. I feel bad now how at one point he was everything to her and all she could do was watch him slip away and she says she doesnt care but when she asks me how we're doing I can't help but feel weird about it and in the back of my mind I'm thinking "he's still mine."
I count all my blessings and thank the Lord for you. good or bad, wrong or right... at the end of the day I am still yours and you are still mine.
"you were in my future as far as i could see... it was over from the start you completely stole my heart and now you won't let go. you had me from hello... "

im fighting... I'm trying to fight this urge so bad. baby you have no idea what you do to me feels like. I want it to end. I just want to be with you or without you... no more in between. this demon keeps messing with my head telling me I need you. but I know everything will be just fine. this shall pass. I'm trying to distract myself with anything.. anyone else. I collected a new heart tonight but this one I just might keep for a rainy day.
uncertainty and the rest of my (in)sane mind are screaming your name. how the fuck can I get any sleep at all when all I can think about is you... and I heard your voice loud and clear today for the first time in a long time. I missed it and I melted. *maintain urself* we make a lot of promises... but never keep them. what makes tonight any different. your not a weekender, ur not a sometimes/somedays, ur not a rainy day, or a I'm bored day either. your always there... but not the way I want you to be. I was watching a movie today and heard the most amazing line... I swear i could have cried. she took the words right out of my mouth and now I sit here repeating them over and over for the next time I hear your voice or see your face...
"I've been your partner(in crime), your lover, your friend... but I've never been the one. either you didn't love me... or you just never showed it."
that day could be today. that time could be right now. I'm a 'send' button away and just as easily we'll be here again. the same as where we left off... the same as we've ever been. I honestly don't know what to do. this is fucking tearing me up so bad inside. a part of me wants you here and the other part of me is just tired of everything we've been through. I don't think I can make it through another. fuck, fuck, FUCK!!!! I wish I could scream. I'm torn and I'm broken. won't you come fix me? and there I go again. dear lord grant me strenght. idk what to do. all these words I save and collect in my mind never reach your ears. you have a way of making me forget. but tonight I'll put an end to it. this is the last attempt....
I'm waiting to see if you'll come through....
"off the record theres something i need to say to you. this ain't easy but its something my heart has to do.. off the record im still in love with you..." love that song. I think thats my que.

i feel a little apprehensive. i dont know why i keep doing this to myself. this is like a bad habit. "he's her drug and she's addicted" i have things to distract myself with my somehow my mind always tends to make room for you. i cant help it but im still trying. idk why i keep struggling with my flesh like this. i feel like a liar and i hate it. as if this werent bad enough... and there goes my cell in the distance. another text from you. as long as i keep replying you keep responding... i do this to myself. i need to get you out. i just have to. im better than this. i deserve better but for some stupid un-apparent reason i keep dumbing myself down to this. someone else has to take me away. someone who will make me feel alive. "hes everything you want, hes everything you need... but he means nothing to and i dont know why..." a lot of hearts that i do not want. where is the one that i do want? oh baby... lets see how much longer i can take. i still smell like that stupid cigarette smoke. looks like ive collected another boy... g'nite.

idk how I should feel about this... this is all wrong. but is so right. I hate this and I love this. I dont know if we can be friends. I'm not sure how strong I am. trust you to keep crossing that line and count on me to play follow the leader. I'm bound to get hurt at some point and I dont need the confusion anymore. its good company to regroup but not nice at all to fall away. I dont know if I want to do either...
forgive & forget. "I want to forgive you & I want to forget you." I'm like in a lazy state of mind. this can go either way. we could finally break apart or we can pick up where we left off. sometimes I just want to start over. i think back to all these choices I've made regarding you and question my brain.. what the hell was I thinking when i decided to do each one of those things? and it amazed me and scared me at the same time to just see how easy it was to just go for it. I didn't even think twice about it. it didn't even cross my mind that what I was doing was wrong. it was morally wrong. thats something I'll never get back but it doesnt even phase me. everytime, anytime... things feel so right. but its just within that moment. I guess thats why we take it to extremes... for fear of the moment dying. idk.. I'm confused. what to do...??? this will never work. a year has gone by so fast and we're still the in the same situation. im not pushing u away I'm holding on for dear life. I need to forget. I really do... but what I'm trying so hard to do your doing completely the opposite. stop trying to pull me back in. I'm trying to fight this but your my kryptonite.

the life of a stranger would be no different than mine to you. that just goes to show the type of person you are. am I awake this time because I just woke up or because i haven't sleep yet? I don't know why I keep looking for this. so many hearts that I do not want. why does it happen like that? I choose to remain closed for fear of expostion, for fear of weakness and for fear of letting you in again. I'm trying, I really am. if you could see this objective from my perspective than I think youd be proud of me too. I'm hating the country now. it makes me sick to my stomach. back to the rock. it sounds a lot nicer when it calls my name then how you ever did. i wish I would have listened to them but within that moment it was exactly what I wanted and I knew exactly what i was doing. ive come a long way... and I think about it and almost kinda want to cry. I can't believe Ive learned a lot from these stupid misfortunes. I might as well add you to my shrine of stupidity. but you were never my favorite. I blame technology for the mess I was in. and baby I ain't missing you at all... babys gotten good at goodbye. life is a little better and like a powerhouse it just keeps beating stronger. well dr. frankenstien this creation you've made was brought to life by everything but you. just know that when ur over ur phase and rendevouz again I won't be waiting this time. trust that I wont. you i cant leave you behind but you gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em. this grenade jumper is going to bed.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

flashbacks
Current mood: sad, down, depressed, wishing for something more.


"It’s sad when people you know become people you knew. When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours and now you can barely even look at them."

if never finding love means never hurting anyone then i rather be loveless. i couldnt bare to put my other half through so much pain if i died before them.
i watched him breakdown and i just wanted to run to him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. i couldnt take it. just watching that bitch stand there like an idiot and while he poured his heart out. i wanted so badly to be the shoulder he cried on. but i didnt want to cause any more trouble. maybe its love. maybe she has him under her spell. idk but the way she clung onto him for her dear life made me realize that she was afraid. and i felt her tremble in my presence.
when his eyes finally met mine i just had to look away. every moment spent together, every word he ever said, and every emotion he ever made me feel came rushing back and i couldnt take it. my mom caught him looking at me a couple of times and so was she.
but that moment was priceless. i wanted to run to him and hold him and just look at him like i used to. i wanted to tell him that everything was going to be alright and that id never let anything hurt him just like he used to tell me.
*flashback* "after we left there was a drive by at the park!!" "WHAT?!?" "i know! we were just there! they shot one of the skater kids" "omg imagine if it was one of us!?" then he just looked at me with those eyes and said, "dont say that! i wont let anything hurt you... i dunno what id do with myself if i lost you."**
as i looked at the ground i tried to block out his cries but his sobs were too painful and it hit me hard that i never want to see him like this ever again.
i felt something in my heart awake when i stood in front of the casket.
since we were little....
its always been there...
*flashback* he said "did you know that you only get to meet your soul mate twice?" "really? well i lost you... but you found me again.""what if your my soul mate?" "idk.. maybe."**
as long as shes around we’ll never know.
she was so out of place there. like wow. she kept staring when everyone was talking to me and i was hugging the uncles, aunts and cousins.
i guess she just came to see for herself that i meant more to all of them.
everyone loves me there. and i feel kinda bad that they want her gone but that was his choice. and that look reminded me of the same confused look he had when he told me he chose her. that same confused look when he said "i made the stupidest mistake on God’s green Earth."
*flashback* "what are you doing?" "nothing just here thinking" "about?" "everytime i talk to you its like..." "like what?" "like... i care about you more and more." "wow. i dunno what to say.." "i made the stupidest mistake on God’s green Earth."**
i feel like such a hypocrite feeling what i do and thinking like this. i cant take this. i really cant. i thought i would be strong but im falling apart a little... i hate how he can still make me feel like this. and that watch... i wonder if he wears it because it reminds him of me...
*flashback* he said, "would you be only mine?" "yes" "...and would you tell your mom about me?" "ill tell the whole world about you..." he just looked at me with those eyes and smiled and said, "i never take it off...." he took his watch off and put it on my wrist.. and i just knew. .**
it saddens me very much that those days are over. i wonder if he ever told her how he had found me and started talking when she was in the hospital and i wonder if she died thinking that we’d always stay together....
*flashback* he told me the story of his accident and how he almost died. he took my hand and placed it on his face where the scar was and just kinda began to cry in my hands... "i lived for you." then i cried.**
since we were little... we were there everyday at her house. playing hide & seek, playing house, throwing rocks at each other, always fighting lol but when it was time to go neither of us wanted to leave. now i sit here in my yard staring into hers... the once green yard full of life with plants and that big ol’ tree by the basketball court where the basketballs all used to get caught on are now dead. nothing but dirt all around. i remember it all like it was yesterday. the sound of her laugh, the big fancy hair-do, the red imprint of her lips she would leave on your cheek when she would kiss you goodbye. the smell of the amazing food coming from the kitchen, that little old white car and the countless times she yelled "esther-sita y juanito!!!!" i cant believe she’s gone....


Rest in Peace Emmita<3+



4:35 PM



Monday, March 31, 2008

we are so last year
Current mood: sad/nervous/nauseaous


i remember you used to love this song.. then everything began to unfold...



"honey why you calling me so late? its kinda hard to talk right now.... i gotta whisper cuz i cant be too loud,"


and i became that person.



"my girls in the next room, sometimes i wish she was you..."


I’m going to be bold and straight-foward.
this is real talk.

I hate that it had to take a funeral for the three of us to meet again. and I hate that its the only thing ive been thinking about. we tend to forget the reason why we’re about to be in the same room... the three of us and its never happened. I know she’ll be flaunting that smile on the inside showing you off like you were the greatest prize on earth. but that’s one game I’m GLAD I lost. I’m glad he chose her. at the time I could not understand it and I was just so miserable thinking I wasnt enough but now I know why it all went down like that. the Lord works in mysterious ways. and He had BETTER things in store for me. that year I might have lost someone I really cared about and a best friend, almost like a sister but the next year I gained more friends and someone else took my heart. I really am happy that she’s with him now because I would have never met such amazing people. and I never would have found this amazing feeling of being more than enough. tomorrow will be very awkward for me as I walk into that room alone knowing that their eyes will be on me but in the back of my mind ill leave that room knowing that he’ll be thinking he made a mistake choosing her over me and she’ll be wondering if that’s exactly what he’s thinking.



she will be missed dearly. I won’t forget the countless hours I used to spend in her yard playing with him when I was little or the delicious food she would make. its so sad to see all my childhood memories just die with her. as much as I would like to have those moments back I also just want to forget them because the majority of it was spent with him. it sucks that something so stupid had to happen for it to be awkward between us now. but whatever. I might just give him my condolences and then continue with my plan on never EVER talking to him again. the only reason im even consider talking to him tomorrow is because of our families and of course his grandma. after that I don’t want anything to do with him.



he says he hates me but I’m sure he wasnt hating me when he would tell me he could "give me the world." it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. him and i will never be okay even if he’s no longer with her.. I’ll never be able to look at him the same way I used to just knowing he was with her. I heard he asked about me yesterday and was freaking out about me showing up to the house because she was there.. please! our families will always be tied together no matter how much she tries to get rid of me. I’m going to be around for a long time. he says he hates me and doesn’t care about me and she’s not worried at all... but the opposite of love isnt hate; its indifference. if you hate someone you still care. so she should be very worried. everything will be okay tomorrow. in the end i know im the bigger person. so what if they’re still together? so what if my best friend stabbed me in the back? she wasnt the first i lost and probably not the last. and so what if he told me everything would be okay? so what if he took my hand and swore there was no one else? so what if he lied when he said he would die without me? SO WHAT???? im better off without him. WAY BETTER off. i would have never put up with his fucking bullshit. ever. thats probably why he went with the weak and vunerable one. fuck that shit! someone much, MUCH BETTER is out there for me. so tomorrow come what may... you cant break the girl who thinks nothing of you. we are so last year.

rest in peace emmita<3+


"and i never wanna say goodbye... you make it hard to be faithful with the lips of an angel..."

2:43 AM



Sunday, March 23, 2008

sometimes theres no one else
Current mood: just there


i bet you prolly wonder who i write these about.
and i bet you prolly read these words over and over trying to figure me out...
hope it wasnt all for nothing...

this past week made me realize a few things:
im either able to walk away as if nothing happened without any intentions of ever looking back or i am no where near the end.
when she was sitting there telling me all this stuff i kinda felt like telling her to shut up yet a part of me wanted her to keep going. what she said got me thinking and then began to make sense... "you never know." i never do. i realized that after random boys im left feeling the same emotions. like i can either have anyone else or keep trying with you. i love being single but some nights after my destructions out on the town i come home feeling empty...like something is missing. maybe thats why i cant let go. because you fill that empty space for at least a little while, for at least the rest of the night. at times i kinda want something more, something else... but then i think back to when im sitting there looking at you. ill never say it to your face but in the back of my mind ill be thinking "what the fuck am i doing here? what???" i guess they’re all right. i just dont know what i want.
i just get confused. like when im there with you its like "...aye... ok what am i doing?" but other times when im watching you sleep im thinking and feeling something else. something stronger and i dont think i like that.
i dont think its possible that people need time to fall for someone. i think that if its not there from the beginning then ur just wasting your time...
hahaa listen to me... maybe i should take my own advice.at any moment i can stop this. all i have to do is think of the bad and just as easily ill get mad. and thats just enough to make me want to let go and forget. thats always been my way of dealing with pain. i rather just be pissed off and angry and just feel that emotion instead of feeling sad and hurt. thats how i do... but i find myself forgiving you each time you say you’re sorry. i really dont know what im doing like this but all i know is that within that moment, your the only one who makes my heart beat slower and faster at the same time...im the girl for you. but u just dont know it yet... i dont think that thought has ever crossed your mind and i wouldnt dare tell you just like that. you’ve got me doing things ive never done and feeling things ive never felt. im trying to stop this so bad because i already know what im in for... i already know you. but i never know with you.
sometimes its good... sometimes theres no one else.

10:21


Friday, March 14, 2008

two short of the big one
Current mood: anxious

im counting down the minutes to the hour wondering if anything has really changed. I’m counting down the minutes to the hour where I question myself for the situation im in. I’m counting down the minutes to the hour praying to God that he comes through. this is like the ultimate test of where we stand, how strong we are and who really matters. ive tried and tried to stop this but its harder than i thought. baby youve become my addiction. and im not even kidding. i hate this dependency. In counting down the minutes to the hour wanting it to be over, hoping to sleep it off so I can just miss everything and be over it but the thought of losing you is killing me. I don’t want to keep doing this. "everytime I try to leave something keeps pulling me back, telling me I need you in my life..."
who ever said that it was better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all clearly never felt as bad as I do right now or any other day that has gone by where I question myself and why I care. do u know what that’s like having all these thoughts circling around in ur head wondering what they mean or what you were trying to say?? why do we keep doing this to each other? I understand the situation completely and I have such a way of munipulating things and words so they sound nice or make me feel better about this. I know what I have done and its something i have to live with for the rest of my life. I rather die than ever hurt you again. I’m counting down the minutes to the hour when I see ur face and know that everything will be okay.

11:30 PM



Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Honesty
Current mood: angry, sad, confused, crying


i cant do this shit anymore. lets just put an end to it. you mean the world to me but if it has to be done then ill do if for you. ill end it right here, right now. this is where it dies. this is the final resting place. i hate that i have to do this. but this is my decision. i need to let it go. for real this time. i just want you to be happy. i never meant to hurt you.... i never want to loose you... ever. i wish i was a better person for you instead of putting you through this. and ive never been one to put others before me but im doing this for you.. idk why u stay with me when u know im no good for you... or anyone else... theres better out there than me. i wish u could see that. open ur eyes. ill never be that girl for you but i care way too much to hurt u like that. and im really trying. baby you can see it... so ill just leave it all here. it’ll never happen again. please dont ever let me do this to you again. just end it... because i dont know how. why cant u just be mad at me? just scream at me or something. i cant do this. just yell at me... hate me for doing this to you. hate me so much that you’ll never want to talk to me again... "drive so fucking far that i’ll never cross your mind..."


you dont deserve this at all... just open your eyes and really look at me. im a mess. im a disaster. you dont want this at all... why r u still here? why do u keep coming back? you need better. im not that girl... i never will be. i care about you too much to do this to you. i care way too much to do this to you again... ily<3

7:07 PM



Saturday, March 01, 2008

pretend im screaming at you
Current mood: confused


i can be myself around everyone else but you. you turned me into this... and i hate it. but now the tables are starting to turn. i didnt think anyone could make me feel this way again. i just wish you’d look at me the way he did. i dont understand how you have a gf and are still expecting me to be there. theres a million and one things i will never understand... like the way you always seem to find me after your done with your little crushes or how i always seem to find myself with you in your car... how am i not suppose to have mixed emotions over this. its like you care but only sometimes. thats not the way things work with me. you can pull the whole "lets text girls late at night" shit with typical girls but not me because im not a typical girl.... but as much as i hate to admit it you turn me into one. i hate it, it makes me feel ugly and unloveable. so theres this new guy and i really like him but i hate that your always in the back of my mind. i want things to work out with him. im gonna get you out because i deserve better. i either just want to be with you or without you.... i guess you finally figured out where you are in life... enough to make you want to bring someone else in. be with her and only her. dont text me late at night and ask for the stupidest things you can get from her.... i guess your not that into her right? i hate feeling guilty like that. and even if i would have given you that kiss it wouldnt have mattered. it would have just been a nice memory....
i want to make this work with the right guy, not with the one who remembers me between the hours of 2 and 4 am, not with the one who takes me for granted, not with the one that’ll "never get to love me."
"if you like me say it(and be with just me) if you dont then stop acting like you do."

10:17 AM



Thursday, February 28, 2008

time well wasted (with you)
Current mood: discontent

I dont get it. I just dont... After every single one its still just me but I envy them. I really do. I've thrown every single word at you but you still dont know. You still dont care. I kinda just wish you would have told me instead of having to find out through this stupid thing. We've never been such eloquent speakers because all we do is sit and stare. Couldn't you see it in my eyes? Force a smile, maybe half dead, from comparing myself to everyone else around me.
Time is only on my side between the hours of two and four usually until six. But to every action there is a consequence. I need to stop praying for this. But I prayed for exactly this.
I'm glad she's happy... I wonder if you are too. I hope she's the one youve been looking for... Just dont forget to remember me. Probably shouldn't be counting the days, hours, and minutes to your demise but I've already got the breaking point marked down on my calender. I know you better than anyone else.
parks, late night drives, slurred words, drunken kisses, hotel rooms, and track meets...
it was nice while it lasted... I guess it was just time well wasted...

4:26am Feb. 13th

memory

*[listening to: who knew by pink]*

when a person dies... they become just a memory. nothing you do or say will ever bring them back. no matter how hard you cry or how loud you scream... it all turns into a memory of what it used to be like. everything is lost... all hope is gone. you close the casket and then thats it... everything you shared and ever had in common dies with them. every hope and dream you once shared is just a thought, an idea, a memory. i wonder if in those dying moments they realize all they're leaving behind, the hearts they're breaking, and the people who will never ever see them, hear them or feel them again. its not that you get mad a someone for dying because death is inevitable... but your allowed to get mad when someone is pushing themselves to their own death right? "pos help me..." i dont know how to go back to that. i've replayed the image from every angle and there wasnt anything left for me to do so i walked away. and i feel guilty as hell. nothing i do or say can persuade time to go back and allow me to do more... and now time only stands still and im stuck. "and time makes it harder...when someone said count ur blessings now 'fore they're long gone i guess i just didnt know how i was all wrong..." i hate how things change in a blink of an eye... or a heartbeat. now all i have is this memory... why didnt you take it with you?

if someone said 3 years from now you'd be long gone, i'd stand up & punch them out cuz they're all wrong... who knew?"





1:08pm Feb. 9th

just being here feels weird. like kinda peaceful but something is wrong. yesterday kinda made me think about a lot of stuff. i think about it all the time. these things are always uncomfortable and awkward. you never know what to say... all you can do is just be there for them. i dreamt of him last night... he was walking around talking about his own funeral and stuff and thins morning when they told me about the arrangements i was in shock... it was exactly what he had told me in the dream. wow.... all i can say is... live for the moment, life is too short to worry or be mad or hold grudges. just live.




2:25pm Feb. 7th

funerals...

always make me feel uncomfortable

because i know that no matter what i say
i cant take their pain away

no matter how many tears are shed
that wont change things

its like an "i told you so" that no one wants to say because we already knew.

i just didnt think id be sooner than expected.

i really wish 'he' could see where he might end up.

tomorrow will be awkward.

i wish there was something i could do to make this all go away.



11:23am Feb. 7th

*[listening to: how to save a life by the fray]*

i can only imagine what they're going through and pray that i never have to feel that way. what i hate most destroys those we love. im tired of hearing about this and watching it destroy lives full of hope and the promise for a better tomorrow. i dont think people really realize just how bad this is and how stupid it is. i really do hate this shit. whenever i hear about it, it brings me back to that place in time.i tried so hard but there was only so much that could have been done. ill never understand how people expected me to save him, to change him. how could they ask so much from me? its not fair. im just one fucking person... this had me praying on my knees for all the help i could get... still does. i still wonder if he ever got through it... i think i know what i want to do with my life now...

"where did i go wrong i lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness... & i would have stayed up with u all night had i know how to save a life..."



4:31am Feb. 4th

ive been waiting for a good day

just because the time is right, the moment is perfect, and the day is beautiful, just because im up already or because i havent gotten any sleep yet... just because it can be done on cue.. almost like a sign again.. we're gonna try this once more. here we go again. lets make it work again. i like where this is going again. its like some sort of deja-vu but the good kind. oh, yes hopes high at all times of the day, makes you wonder what the fuck was she trying to say.

"i've been waiting for a good day, i've been holding back long enough..."



5:42am Feb. 1st

*[listening to: Stronger - Kanye West]*

idk if u just proved me right or if ur the first one to prove me wrong.

im ready for anything. words are like darts but none of them can touch me... because none of them are good enough to break me. whatever ur going through... it'll pass but by then ill be too far away... im ready for everything. i've been prepared for a while now. nothing has been the same... except the way you are. but im ready for whatever comes this way.

baby ur making it harder, better, faster, stronger



3:25am jan. 30th

the thought of you.

*[listening to: brooks & dunn - believe]*

there are far more important things to occupy my mind with...

like why a mother would ever want to give her child away or never even allow it to fill its lungs with life. a heartbeat is a heartbeat no matter how faint and slow or strong and fast. like when your sitting all alone staring at the barrel of a gun or watching tears fall from your eyes in the reflection of a blade... or when your lying in bed shivering and shaking, your body aching for the drug. there are those who hold their own destiny in their hands and refuse to see a way to make things better and there are those who have the audacity to play God and control the destiny of others. how can someone be compelled with so much anger and rage that they'd take another's life?

life - the period during which someone or something exsists, the vital principle or animating force.

how can people misuse their time like this? how do humans process these awful thoughts? things always get better. it saddens me to know that some people arent as excited about living as i am. "the mind is a terrible thing to waste..." there are more than enough things to occupy my mind with then the thought of some confused person pushing people away with lame excuses or the thought of waiting for other people to find their own place in life so that others may fit into theirs. there are numerous thoughts to occupy my mind with then the thought of what other people might think or how they feel towards a person or like the thought of knowing when to give up or keep holding on. there are far more important things to occupy my mind with then the thought of attempting to figure out if what certain people speak of are truth or lies or the thought of all the excuses a person can make up for someone else on why they might or might not care sincerely or maybe even... far more importat than the thought... of you.



7:00pm Jan. 27th

kinda makes me feel like i've been missing out on a lot. where i want to be is where i might never end up. but tomorrows forecast predicts life and things to go smoothly until its over... we're not holding back anymore. everythings changing. unbreakable. try and stop this.




12:23pm Jan. 25th

"this awkward silence makes me crazy"

so another attempt... kinda failed i think because i still dont know. that was the reason why i never put myself out there but i guess i wear this heart on my sleeve. i just need to know where i stand... cause maybe its time to sit back and kick rocks. there is no one else... you should know. but maybe ur a little occupied to know that.
i hate these unfinished conversations...




4:48pm Jan. 21st

you can quote me on this

*[listening to: make it work by ne-yo]*

sometimes despite everything a person has done to you, you still want to believe that they're good. like they can change. but whether people really change or not is still something i havent fully figured out. i do, however, believe that a person can change but then after a while that effect wears off and they just become more of what they truly are. he hasnt proven to me otherwise. people sometimes get tired of waiting for changes to happen. people sometimes take actions. "We think without thinking..........we rise; We respond without responding..........we leave" i think thats exactly what must be done. i think sometimes people take advantage of a feeling and expect it to always be there like no matter how much trouble they've caused forgiveness is aways going to be waiting for them. "sometimes you only forgive someone because u cant stand not having them in your life." thats true but other times a person will just get tired of the same damn thing. circles never end. hopeless. tell me something... is it?




2:07pm Jan. 19th

designless thoughts

honestly,

we're creating something beautiful.

change is inevitable.

i love this.

am i getting too ahead of myself?

are we being led on again?

i need you like water in my lungs.

please stay wtih me...

but only if u really want.

silence is golden?

or deadly?

think about it.

say anything...

but say what you mean.

can we take it there?

seasons are changing

but love knows no seasons

love also rhymes with hidious car crash

its just too powerful a word

lets go back to the beginning

when you thought u found the one

nothing changes...

well just the name.

confessions

was it worth it?

id say so

closer than ever

a little more together

a little less confusion

i really do love this.

oh its what u do to me...

oh baby, baby, baby.




3:52am Jan.14

& I'm back♥

yea i was kinda lost for a bit but im back. ha i feel sooo good and alive. i wrote an unsent letter yesterday just to get everything out of my system. i kinda needed that =) at this point nothing or no one can break me cause after all... "you cant break the girl who thinks nothing of you" right? very true. .ive realized that some people might never change... but i find comfort in knowing that theyre trying. im here if you want me, if not then whatever. life is beautiful and i still feel alive. but just remember the way 'she' made you feel. thats me 24/7 baby! before you let me/her walk away make sure its what you want. im done holding back. knievel is back hahaa whoop! whoop! get ready for trouble. sheeea=P



12:46pm Jan 12

after everything i guess i still havent learned. im trying so hard to not give up but you keep letting me down and its like i deserve better but im still here. if that didnt work than i dont know what else will. this is hopeless but then i talk to you and everything just feels better. if i was someone else would you still care? i guess this is my fault for trying like i do but if theres nothing else left here then just say it and ill walk away for good this time...




12:26pm Jan. 10th

the same girl

everything changes or just re-adjusts itself. am i still who you thought i was? things feel a little different now. kinda like we have to start off from scratch but i dont mind as long as you "stay with me." yesterday for the first time in a long time i felt like everything finally fell into place. i could finally be myself... not anyone else and you saw that. that was the hardest thing i've ever had to do and now i can answer your question when you ask me why i did it. i think its apparent babe<3. i guess now we take it day by day... "truth and time tells all" lol.



8:32pm Jan. 9th

MP vs ED

*[listening to: promise - matchbook romance]*

i seriously dont know what got into me... i never knew i had that in me... i kinda scared myself a little bit. That was like the most Knievel thing I've ever done. awkwaaard. [thanx Pris & Liza!!] my heart felt like it was going to explode within that moment that he was staring at me. i kinda wished the ground would have opened up and swallowed me. i felt super bad. wowzers. im REALLY glad we kinda just laughed it off. my words are one big jumble. ayeee. im still a bit confused now... its like... now what? idk. so many questions but sometimes not enough answers. well baby... am i still ur emo girl?? sheeea =P



7:45pm Jan. 6th

just like deja-vu baby

*[listening to: you remind me - usher]*

i knew we'd be back to this.

"but i wear the biggest smile"

we're one in the same baby.

tick-tock, tick-tock

I'm glad you're really getting to know me

look at all the things you didnt know

nope... nothing

thats probably why it was so hard

you had a feeling but werent sure

you kinda knew but not really

it sorta was but then wasnt

memories....

reminders...

is it or isnt it???

baby you've become addicted.

bet you didnt know she was a criminal mastermind.



8:39pm Dec. 31st

Good Riddance 2007

*[listening to: Good Riddance - Green Day]*

'07 has been an interesting year...

but the next will be even better. Things are already starting to look up. I went for the last run of the year today and thought about all the eventful situations i have been through this year. Talk about DRAMA!! Glad thats over with. Anyway, on my run i thought of all the amazing people in my life and how much they have contributed in making this year the best one so far... then others not so much. I regret to inform you that a couple of people will not be making it to my new year and im okay with that. "Good Riddance..." lol as if i didnt know. whatever. This will be the first year that I spend New Years in another country, let alone with my new family. It's been a while since i've spent any holiday with my dad. kinda wish my brother was here too... well looks like 2008 is starting its peak already.

Goodbye 07', Hello 2008!♥ Happy New Year.




12:21pm Dec. 27th

the simplest one

ive never been one for small talk... lets get straight to the point. I need to get as far away from here as possible. It could be like starting a new life surrounded by complete stangers who dont know me... actually i feel like that now. I guess i just need to get away from all of this. I've got these friends in "quotes" and boys with *asterisks* ...i doubt you got that. when this is weird to you its apparent to me that you never really knew me at all. kinda like a rare dying breed... yet you're looking for something you'll never find out there. Thats kinda sad how you'll never really understand me or know what im about but you've overstayed ur welcome. we are not attatched so we let go for if we were from them we would have left with them but we did not... or something like that. its in the bible. idk. im so glad this year is coming to an end. i dunno what else could happen to top this year off. well... "happy, happy new year baby. It's been a year i wont forget."




2:13am Dec. 20th

its 2 o'clock in the f*cking morning

and i cant sleep... i've been like this for a couple of months now. i hate it. if its not one thing, its another. "i can feel the pressure its getting closer now..." idk everyday that passes by brings me closer to you and i want to live. if you pray for patience God grants u the opportunity to be patient so I'm trying my best to overcome this. i'm done concering about ones or pairs. i feel unreachable and yet i'm okay like that. this shouldnt even be an issue. i wish the pressure would stop building. when the time comes ill know what to do or which route i need to take. right now im just gonna live it up instead of just feel down. there's someone out there who will make me want to stay... but until then I dont have to care.

im so scared of this all just ending like it has many time before. something is missing and idk what it is but at the same time it just feels right and i pray to God that it finally happens. if this didnt work then idk what else will. im tired of trying. this was like the huggest thing ive ever done and because of him so for him not to realize how much i care is insane because its that obvious. im trying to take it day by day. it feels like the beginning but a little different. but i really am scared of losing this. ive realized that i care a whole lot more and that scares me the most. i dont want to fall and have him not catch me.... say a little pray for me.